The Gift of Loneliness
These days, I have been very alone. It seems that every time I look at my phone, no one has thought to contact me. Sometimes I am left so alone that I wonder if I have died, and I just haven't realised it yet. I seem to have been forgotten by the ones that I so desperately seek attention from.
The last three nights, my loneliness has woken me up at night. At the hours of 2 or 3 in the morning, I cannot even hear another soul walking around. More of the thing I am trying so hard to avoid - loneliness.
In my head, I hear the voices of others tell me that I am feeling sorry for myself, that I am being too emotional. That I should be stronger and tougher and that I should always see the positive side. But something deep within my soul knows better, and I start to cry.
I let myself be weak, away from the judging eyes of others. Alone, but not completely alone, because the eyes of God are always looking at me.
In 2 Corinthians 12:9, it says: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Finally, after many sleepless nights and years of feeling more and more isolated, I realise that my aloneness has been a gift.
How much does God love me, that He made others too busy to talk to me, too scared to approach me, or that He made me invisible to their eyes, so that He could have me alone. So that I could ask for no other attention than His and so I could see no other love than His.
Suddenly, within the depths of my weakness, I found strength. I felt loved, seen, chosen. Others may be given validation through endless attention from the people around them, or may have the honour of being needed by a child or a loved one, but I have found the same in my silence. If not greater.
That which was once suffocating to me, brought me freedom. To see past the illusion of despair and into the treasure of my own failure, disappointment and shame. The centre of them all, which is His love, a love that brings peace on my heart and heaviness on my eyes.